Four Styles of ASSERTIVENESS
Can you think of a time when you were faced with an uncomfortable conversation? What did you do to overcome your discomfort? And when you did, how clearly could you communicate your desires and assert your perspective?
I was confronted with a very difficult situation that forced me to assert myself in a delicate conversation; it was fraught with layers of complexity. Through lots of prayer, thoughtful conversations, and guidance, I was able to clarify what I wanted for the people involved, but it did not come easily. What I learned has served me well over the years, and I have applied it to my challenging conversations since that time, many, many years ago. One tool that helped me understand how to make the shift I need to make was a 2X2 diagram that identifies four styles of assertiveness. It is the combination of all four where a balance is struck, but not EVERY situation will seek the same balance or allotted emphasis. I hope you find the explanation helpful below.
Unpacking the Assertiveness 2X2
- Horizontal Axis = Level of EMPATHY.
- Empathy Level (left to right) – Low to High
- Vertical Axis = Level of ENERGY.
- Energy Level (top to bottom) – High to Low
Four Assertiveness Styles
- Aggressively Controlling – HIGH ENERGY + LOW EMPATHY (upper left quadrant)
- Passively Observing – LOW ENERGY + LOW EMPATHY (lower left quadrant)
- Warmly Proposing – LOW ENERGY + HIGH EMPATHY (lower right quadrant)
- Firmly Asserting – HIGH ENERGY + HIGH EMPATHY (upper right quadrant)
© 2009, Worldwide Center for Organizational Development.
Like I said earlier, there is no ONE correct style that works in EVERY situation, but like I experienced, I needed to know where I should give greater emphasis, given the dynamics I was facing in the difficult conversation I had. Using the 2X2 above, this is how I most naturally function. My most natural styles I exercise are in the following order:
- Passively Observing
- Firmly Asserting
- Warmly Proposing
- Aggressively Controlling
The shift(s) I made, given my natural style, were to:
- Lower my Passively Observing by being more verbally engaged
- Increase my Firmly Asserting style by being more proactive and empathetic
- Increase my Aggressively Controlling style by being more commanding and confident.
- And finally, maintain my Warmly Proposing style.
Here are reflection questions I used to help me arrive at the shifts I exercised.
Reflection Questions to Adapt your Assertiveness Style
- How can I respectfully communicate what I want in this conversation?
- What am I willing to do to get what I want?
- What am I unwilling to do?
- How can I put myself in the other person’s situation so I can understand their view?
- How can I project more confidence?
- Where do I need to be more pro-active?
- What do I need to do to show I am listening carefully?
These are some of the questions that I found helpful. Take time right now and brainstorm some questions of your own if you are approaching a difficult conversation. Below are a couple of resources you might find helpful to learn more about Assertiveness.
ASSERTIVENESS RESOURCES
