In my last post, I wrestled with the complexities we often impose on discipleship in American churches. We can get so caught up in finding the “perfect” program or the most innovative strategy that we inadvertently dismiss the simple, relational heart of following Jesus and inviting others to do the same. We sometimes discount approaches that aren’t our own or believe that what works elsewhere will “never work here.” (You can catch up on that conversation by clicking HERE.)
But today, I want to move beyond the critique and get practical. What can you do, whether you’re a pastor, a church leader, or simply a follower of Christ, to genuinely engage people in their spiritual journey towards finding and following Jesus? I believe the answer lies not in more complicated systems, but in a return to the foundational power of relationships.
Towards the end of this article, I’ll introduce a simple tool to help you take immediate action. If you’re ready to discover The Oikos Principle, feel free to skip ahead!
The Peril of Mission Drift
Recently, I’ve been reflecting on a concept introduced in Tom Mercer’s book, “8 to 15, The World Is Smaller Than You Think.” In the chapter aptly titled “The Main Thing,” Mercer highlights our vulnerability to “mission drift” – that slow, often unintentional movement away from our core purpose towards activities that, while perhaps good in themselves, distract us from what truly matters.
He uses a striking example: the original founding mission statement of Harvard University:
“To be plainly instructed and consider well that the main end of your life and studies is to know God and Jesus Christ.”
While Harvard remains a prestigious academic institution, it’s undeniable that their primary focus has shifted dramatically. Mercer suggests that the church in America can also fall prey to this mission drift. It’s not about intentional malice, but a natural human tendency. As churches grow and expand, or conversely, when facing stagnation, there’s a pull towards the familiar, the comfortable, potentially losing sight of the core mission of making disciples.
Mercer then shares compelling statistics from Dr. Tom Reiner’s research in “Ten Surprises About the Unchurched.” Reiner and his team spent three years interviewing a diverse cross-section of unchurched and non-Christian individuals across all 50 states. Their findings debunked some common myths:
DeBunking Myths About the Unchurched
Most of the unchurched feel guilty about not attending church.(False)
96% of the unchurched are at least somewhat likely to attend church if they are invited.(True!)
Very few of the unchurched have ever had someone share with them how to become a Christian.(Alarmingly True)
Most of the unchurched have a positive view of pastors and the church.(Encouragingly True)
Many of the unchurched have a church background.(Reveals a potential for reconnection)
Some types of cold calls are effective, but many are not.(Highlights the need for relational approaches)
The unchurched would like to develop a real and sincere relationship with Christians.(This is key!)
The attitudes of the unchurched are not correlated to where they live, their ethnic or racial background, or their gender.(Underlines the universal need for connection)
Many of the unchurched are far more concerned about the spiritual well-being of their children than they are about themselves.(A powerful point of connection)
These findings paint a clear picture: the unchurched aren’t necessarily hostile to faith or the church. In fact, a significant majority are open to an invitation and desire a genuine connection with Christians. The real gap often lies in the lack of personal invitation and the absence of individuals sharing their faith.
Taking Action: Embracing The Oikos Principle
So, what can we do in response to these insights? We can take action, and one powerful way to do that is by applying The Oikos Principle. As I mentioned earlier (and elaborated on in my previous blog – CLICK HERE), this principle, highlighted by Mercer, focuses on the power of our existing relationships.
“Oikos” is a Greek word that refers to a person’s household, family, and close network of relationships. The Oikos Principle encourages us to intentionally engage the people already in our sphere of influence. Here are the five steps Mercer outlines:
The Oikos Principle
LIST your oikos: Identify those 8-15 people with whom you have developed, are developing, or perhaps should develop relational equity. These are your friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, and acquaintances.
PRAY daily for your oikos: Commit to praying specifically for each person on your list, asking that they would sense God’s presence in their lives and be open to His love.
INVEST in your oikos: Look for meaningful ways to be present in their lives, show genuine care, and build deeper connections. Be God’s instrument by demonstrating His love through your actions.
INVITE them: As God opens doors of opportunity, thoughtfully and regularly invite them to church or into other faith-based conversations. This should flow naturally from the investment you’ve already made in the relationship.
PREPARE to become a better example of faith in Christ and a more effective witness of His grace: Recognize that your own spiritual growth is crucial. As you deepen your relationship with Christ, you become a more authentic and compelling witness.
This isn’t about implementing a new, complex program. It’s about leveraging the relationships God has already given you. It’s about seeing your everyday interactions as potential opportunities for Kingdom impact.
Putting It Into Practice
For me personally, I’ve taken this principle to heart. I ride mountain bikes twice a week with a group of guys I’ve known for several years. I’ve written their names on an Oikos Principle card* (which you can download for yourself* – CLICK HERE) and am intentionally praying for them daily. Our church is hosting a Men’s Breakfast next month, and I plan to thoughtfully invite some of these individuals to join me. It’s simple, it’s easy, and it builds upon existing relationships.
The Oikos Principle isn’t a magic formula, but it’s a powerful reminder that discipleship often starts in our own backyards, within the circles of influence God has already entrusted to us. By intentionally loving, serving, and inviting those in our oikos, we can move beyond the complexities and rediscover the relational heart of sharing the love of Jesus.
If you’re ready to take the next step and explore The Oikos Principle further, CLICK HERE for more information! Let’s reclaim the simple, yet profound, power of relational discipleship.
Lately, I’ve been carrying this nagging feeling, this little struggle in my spirit. It’s about how we, in the American church culture, often approach this whole “disciple-making” thing. Does it ever feel… clunky to you? Like we’ve built this intricate machine with so many moving parts that it ends up feeling more like it’s sputtering and stalling than actually, you know, making disciples?
We’ve tried all sorts of things, haven’t we? We’ve tried to make church more “attractive,” and hey, that’s brought people to Jesus, which is amazing! But sometimes I wonder if we’ve focused so much on the “attract” part that we’ve inadvertently made the actual following and becoming part feel… well, a bit overwhelming.
Then, I stumbled upon this little book, “8 to 15, The World Is Smaller Than You Think” by Tom Mercer. And honestly, it was like a breath of fresh air. Mercer talks about this concept called the Oikos Principle. Now, “Oikos” is just the Greek word for “extended family,” but the way he breaks it down is so simple, but yet so profound.
Think about it:
Your extended family (literally, that’s the Greek meaning!).
The most natural place for sharing your faith to happen. Isn’t it true? The people who already know you, who see your life up close.
That core group of 8 to 15 people with whom you’re already doing life. Your closest friends, family, neighbors, colleagues – your inner circle.
The very people God wants to equip you to be an instrument of His grace for. That’s a powerful thought, isn’t it?
A mini-version of the whole world, the very world Jesus came to save, so that everyone who believes in Him can truly live life to the fullest.
What grabbed me about this Oikos Principle was its beautiful simplicity. It just clicks. It feels right. Here’s what I’m really enjoying about it:
It’s rooted in the Bible. This isn’t some trendy new idea; it echoes how Jesus Himself invested deeply in a small group, and how the early church spread like wildfire through natural connections.
It’s the pattern Jesus set and the early church embraced. That gives it some serious weight, doesn’t it?
It’s crystal clear. No complicated formulas or endless steps. Just your people.
It’s wonderfully simple. And in our complex world, isn’t that refreshing?
It’s easily reproducible. Anyone can do this, right where they are, with who they already know.
It’s inherently fruitful. Authentic relationships are fertile ground for the seeds of the Gospel.
But here’s where I get a little… frustrated, maybe? There’s this little voice in the back of my head, a cultural bias I see creeping into how we respond to ideas like this:
We tend to raise an eyebrow at anything that isn’t super “sophisticated.” Like, if it’s not a ten-week program with a workbook and a leader’s guide, we might subconsciously think it’s not “deep enough.”
We have this weird habit of wanting to “own” ideas. We like to repackage things and present them as our own brilliant innovation, sometimes missing the beauty of a simple, effective principle that’s already out there.
And then there’s the classic: “That works over there, but not here.” As if the fundamental human need for connection and the power of genuine relationships somehow change based on zip code.
Honestly, I think we might be overthinking this whole disciple-making thing. Maybe the most powerful way to share Jesus and help others grow in their faith isn’t through elaborate programs, but through the genuine, everyday connections we already have.
So, here’s my honest recommendation, friend to friend. For the price of a latte or two ($10.97 on Amazon, last I checked!), grab a copy of “8 to 15.” Read it with an open heart. Pray about it. And then? Try it out. Start looking at your “Oikos” – those 8 to 15 people God has already placed in your life. What if disciple-making wasn’t this huge, daunting task, but simply about intentionally loving and investing in the people right around you?
I have a feeling it might just be the key to unlocking a more natural, relational, and yes, even simpler way to see God’s Kingdom grow, one relationship at a time.
What are your thoughts? Does this resonate with you? I’d love to hear your perspective in the comments below!
Can you think of a time when you were faced with an uncomfortable conversation? What did you do to overcome your discomfort? And when you did, how clearly could you communicate your desires and assert your perspective?
I was confronted with a very difficult situation that forced me to assert myself in a delicate conversation; it was fraught with layers of complexity. Through lots of prayer, thoughtful conversations, and guidance, I was able to clarify what I wanted for the people involved, but it did not come easily. What I learned has served me well over the years, and I have applied it to my challenging conversations since that time, many, many years ago. One tool that helped me understand how to make the shift I need to make was a 2X2 diagram that identifies four styles of assertiveness. It is the combination of all four where a balance is struck, but not EVERY situation will seek the same balance or allotted emphasis. I hope you find the explanation helpful below.
Unpacking the Assertiveness 2X2
Horizontal Axis = Level of EMPATHY.
Empathy Level (left to right) – Low to High
Vertical Axis = Level of ENERGY.
Energy Level (top to bottom) – High to Low
Four Assertiveness Styles
Aggressively Controlling – HIGH ENERGY + LOW EMPATHY (upper left quadrant)
Passively Observing – LOW ENERGY + LOW EMPATHY (lower left quadrant)
Warmly Proposing – LOW ENERGY + HIGH EMPATHY (lower right quadrant)
Firmly Asserting – HIGH ENERGY + HIGH EMPATHY (upper right quadrant)
Like I said earlier, there is no ONE correct style that works in EVERY situation, but like I experienced, I needed to know where I should give greater emphasis, given the dynamics I was facing in the difficult conversation I had. Using the 2X2 above, this is how I most naturally function. My most natural styles I exercise are in the following order:
Passively Observing
Firmly Asserting
Warmly Proposing
Aggressively Controlling
The shift(s) I made, given my natural style, were to:
Lower my Passively Observing by being more verbally engaged
Increase my Firmly Asserting style by being more proactive and empathetic
Increase my Aggressively Controlling style by being more commanding and confident.
And finally, maintain my Warmly Proposing style.
Here are reflection questions I used to help me arrive at the shifts I exercised.
Reflection Questions to Adapt your Assertiveness Style
How can I respectfully communicate what I want in this conversation?
What am I willing to do to get what I want?
What am I unwilling to do?
How can I put myself in the other person’s situation so I can understand their view?
How can I project more confidence?
Where do I need to be more pro-active?
What do I need to do to show I am listening carefully?
These are some of the questions that I found helpful. Take time right now and brainstorm some questions of your own if you are approaching a difficult conversation. Below are a couple of resources you might find helpful to learn more about Assertiveness.
You’re likely familiar with Stephen Covey’s influential book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” which outlines key principles for personal effectiveness. Just as Covey’s framework provides a roadmap for individual growth, we can consider the essential “habits” of a growing disciple of Jesus. The core of discipleship is often summarized as loving God, loving others, and making disciples – a seemingly straightforward directive.
However, the how of achieving this, particularly in a diverse and nuanced context like America, requires careful consideration and adaptation. While movements of rapid disciple multiplication thrive in various parts of the world, simply transplanting their methodologies without cultural sensitivity can be ineffective. Take, for instance, Discovery Bible Study (DBS). While the underlying principles of engaging Scripture and fostering obedience are powerful, the direct imposition of a specific DBS structure might not resonate within certain American settings. The key lies in discerning the foundational principles behind such approaches and then creatively expressing them in culturally relevant ways.
What is wrong with confession of sin?
Consider the vital practice of confession. Scripture clearly emphasizes the need for believers to acknowledge their shortcomings. Yet, directly calling individuals out to confess sin in an American context might yield unintended results. What flourishes in one culture may falter in another. The challenge, then, becomes one of contextualization. In the church plant where Gina and I serve, we’re experimenting with a more relational approach to fostering this habit of spiritual formation. Instead of direct calls for confession, our small groups utilize questions designed to gently guide individuals toward self-reflection and accountability, including:
What’s one truth from God’s Word that you want to hold onto this week?
What invitation do you sense the Holy Spirit offering you today?
What will you do about that?
Following this, individuals pair up to share their intended actions, and their partners commit to a follow-up conversation the following week. The insight here is that in our American context, the concept of addressing sin and growth often benefits from a gradual introduction using the language of spiritual formation and mutual support.
What are the essential habits of a growing disciple?
So, what are some essential habits that characterize a growing disciple in any context, but which require thoughtful adaptation in America? Here are a few key patterns:
Bible Study: A growing disciple consistently engages with Scripture to understand God’s Word and its practical application to their life. In an American context, this might involve diverse formats beyond traditional study groups, catering to different learning styles and schedules.
Confession: A growing disciple identifies areas in their life that conflict with Scripture and, with the Holy Spirit’s guidance, shares these with trusted fellow believers. As discussed, the expression of this habit in America often benefits from relational approaches and a gradual integration of spiritual formation language.
Making Disciples: A growing disciple actively participates in helping others discover and follow Jesus. In America, this might necessitate creative outreach methods that connect with diverse communities and address specific cultural nuances.
Service: A growing disciple identifies and utilizes their spiritual gifts to serve others. How service is expressed can vary widely in American culture, from formal volunteering to informal acts of kindness within one’s sphere of influence.
Fellowship: A growing disciple cultivates meaningful relationships with other Jesus followers, sharing life together. Building authentic community can be challenging in a busy and individualistic society like America, requiring intentionality and the creation of welcoming spaces.
Where can you grow in your disciple-making journey?
To help you reflect on how these habits are manifesting in your own life or ministry, consider the following assessment. On a scale of 1 (almost never) to 5 (almost always), how would you rate your congregation, small group, ministry team, or your own life in practicing these five habits of a growing disciple?
Take a moment to reflect on your assessment.
What did you learn from this exercise? What steps might you consider taking as a result? What specific invitation do you sense the Holy Spirit extending to you in this area?
InFocus has developed a simple quiz to further assist you and those you lead in identifying areas of growth in their disciple-making journey. If you’re interested in taking this free quiz, you can CLICK HERE.
Furthermore, if you’d like to discuss your results or explore these ideas in more detail, I’m available for a free, 25-minute coaching conversation. Please email Samantha at admin@infocusnet.org to schedule an appointment.
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