Are you a pastor? Church planter? A dedicated Christian leader in the marketplace who’s been pouring into others, perhaps for a while now? Do you feel that familiar tug to go deeper, to multiply your effectiveness and truly flourish in your calling? If so, you’re in the right place!
A pastor I was coaching had been applying a coach approach to the way he was empowering people – new disciples, leaders, and ministry leaders. When his vision expanded to empower other members of his staff to adopt a coach approach, we discussed the best training for his team members. One of his colleagues had a coach training process that he was comfortable using and offered to take my client’s team through. This is a great way to kickstart a culture of coaching in your ministry. I asked him a couple of questions:
“How will you know if the leaders that you are training are being trained in the essential skills of a Christian coach?”
He suggested that his friend knew what he was talking about and was confident this would accomplish the job. Then I followed up with:
“How will you measure if the leaders you are training are competent?”
This created a moment of silence. He had not thought about this, so this is what I suggested.
Ready to Elevate Your Coaching?
The next crucial step in your growth journey as a Christian coach is to pinpoint exactly where you can develop your skills. We’re excited to introduce you to a powerful tool designed to do just that: the 360-Degree Christian Coach Assessment.
This isn’t just any assessment; it’s a research-based tool built around nine core Christian coaching competencies. It’s an incredibly effective way to gain quick, reliable, and valuable feedback on your current coaching skills from four unique perspectives:
Self: Your own insights into your coaching abilities.
Client: Direct feedback from someone you’ve coached.
Coach or Coach Mentor: Wisdom from someone who has guided you.
Colleague: A peer who has observed your coaching in action.
Imagine the clarity you’ll gain from this full range of perspectives! You’ll receive a balanced view of your coaching abilities across all nine core competency areas. With this objective information, you can create a truly insightful personal action plan for growth, targeting the specific areas that will make the biggest difference in your coaching. Plus, this assessment is linked to a broader database, allowing you to see how your competencies compare to coaches who consistently achieve excellent results. To date, over 10,000 leaders have been assessed.
The 360-Degree Christian Coach Assessment helps you bridge the gap between your subjective sense of how effective you are and an objective, competency-based profile of your Christian coaching skills. Are you ready to take this next step and truly multiply your effectiveness as a coach?
What if I was trained using a different coaching model?
No worries! This is precisely the reason Bob Logan and I did ground-breaking research under the supervision of Dr. Chuck Ridley. We wanted to help you clarify! We answered the question: What do world-class Christian coaches consistently do with excellence? Regardless of whether you have been trained in a different coaching model or not, the assessment will help.
Here are three resources that unpack the coaching model we identified from our original research:
If you have been trained in another coaching model other than the one we unpack in the first two resources listed above, OR if you have been trained in our model, the 360-Degree Christian Coach Assessment was designed to help you know where to start. The key is competence. If you would like a guide to come alongside you in your coach development journey, CLICK HERE.
The bonus?
International Coach Federation (ICF) recognizes the 9 Christian competency areas, 55 behavioral outcomes, AND coach mentoring with InFocus. Bottom line: 10 hours of coach mentoring satisfy the requirement towards ICF certification.
Ready to take the next step in your personal coaching journey, or to empower your team with truly excellent Christian coaches?
I recently had the privilege of leading a workshop for pastors navigating the exciting, yet often complex, journey of “daughtering” a new church. As we delved into the practicalities of launching a new work, a crucial theme emerged, one that often gets overshadowed by talk of budgets and launch teams: the relational cost to the parent church.
We spent time focusing on the established church pastor’s perspective —the one who sends out a piece of their heart and soul into a new community. During a powerful demonstration with a pastor who had recently gone through this process, the word “recovery” kept surfacing. Not just financial recovery, but something deeper: the need for the parent church to heal.
Planting a church, birthing a new faith community, is exhilarating work. But let’s not sugarcoat it – it’s exhausting work for everyone involved, especially the parent church. They’ve likely poured resources, sent some of their best leaders, and invested immense emotional energy into this new venture. And when the dust settles, there’s often a quiet reckoning.
The Overlooked Tollbooth: Emotions
We often track the tangible impacts of a church plant:
Numerically: What happened to our Sunday attendance?
Financially: What were the direct costs of supporting the new church?
But there’s a less visible, yet equally significant, impact: the emotional health of the congregation.
This “Emotional Tollbooth,” as it surfaced in our workshop, is where the numerical and financial realities converge. If the church plant took a core group, perhaps some of your most passionate and gifted individuals, the parent church might feel a tangible loss. It can feel akin to losing a loved one who has moved away, is struggling in their faith, or has even passed away. The very champions you celebrated sending out can, in the quiet moments, leave a void. The Kingdom-advancing ministry you so fervently supported can, at times, feel more like a burden.
Witnessing the “Child” Thrive: A Mix of Emotions
We celebrated a significant milestone at The Refinery Church, the plant my wife, Gina, and I serve and call our church home. After 30 months, we finally reached financial self-sustainability for two consecutive months; it was a moment of pure joy.
But it made me wonder: how does the parent church experience this kind of achievement?
There must be immense pride, a deep satisfaction in seeing their “child” thrive. Yet, I imagine it’s intertwined with a complex tapestry of emotions. The joy of their success might be tinged with the ache of their absence. The parent church might feel a shift in their own identity, perhaps a sense of no longer being “needed” in the same way by those they sent out. Additionally, the realities of numerical and financial adjustments likely still linger.
A Forgotten Question: How Do We Help the Parent Church?
During the workshop, when asked how to support the parent church pastor and congregation navigating this “Emotional Tollbooth,” I stumbled. My answer was likely forgettable, some variation of “pay attention to it.”
But what I wish I had said, what I now believe wholeheartedly, is this: find a guide to walk alongside you throughout the process.
Missionally, the reasons to plant churches are compelling: reaching the unreached, mobilizing gifted leaders, and even revitalizing the mother church. Yet, the impact on the parent church is undeniable and demands our attention.
The Indispensable Role of Relationship: The Christian Coach
We can read books, listen to podcasts, and even ask AI for insights, but the most consistent and invaluable resource for navigating the parenting process is a relationship, specifically, the guidance of a competent Christian coach.
What can a coach offer the pastor of a parent church?
Perspective: A timely reminder of the courageous step of faith they’ve taken.
Partnership: A trusted friend in what can feel like a lonely journey.
Potential: Helping them see the new ministry opportunities that emerge within their own congregation.
Safe Place: A non-judgmental space to process the complex emotions that come with letting go.
Peace: Guidance on how to anchor their trust in the Holy Spirit amidst the inevitable shifts.
Remembering the Stages of Grief (Yes, Even Here)
As Elisabeth Kübler-Ross articulated in “On Death and Dying,” there are common stages of grief we experience when grappling with loss: denial, bargaining, depression, anger, and acceptance. While we aren’t talking about literal death, the parent church experiences a form of loss – the loss of key people, established patterns, and perhaps even a sense of their former identity. Understanding these stages can provide a framework for empathy and support as the parent church navigates this transition.
Investing in the Parent Church is Investing in the Kingdom
Let’s not underestimate the relational cost of planting a church. By acknowledging the emotional journey of the parent church, by providing support and guidance through coaching relationships, we not only care for those who have bravely stepped out in faith but also ensure the long-term health and vitality of the entire Kingdom effort.
Let’s shift our perspective. Let’s ask not just “What does it cost to plant a church financially?” but also, “How can we best support the heart and soul of the church that dared to give birth?” The answer, I believe, lies in prioritizing relationships and providing the guidance needed to navigate this profound and transformative experience.
In my last two posts, I’ve been wrestling with something that feels increasingly prevalent in American churches: the tendency to overcomplicate discipleship. We can get so caught up in the quest for the “perfect” program, the most cutting-edge strategy, that we inadvertently lose sight of the simple, relational heart of following Jesus and inviting others to do the same. We sometimes dismiss approaches that aren’t our own, or fall into the trap of believing that what flourishes elsewhere will somehow wither on our own soil.
I’ve been particularly drawn to unpacking the Oikos Principle, a concept woven throughout both the Old and New Testaments. Strategically, Jesus and the early church leveraged this – and “Oikos” is simply the Greek word for “extended family” – to witness remarkable multiplication of disciples. You can dive deeper into this by checking out my previous thoughts:
This exploration has led me to reflect on a pivotal moment early in my seminary journey. As a fresh-faced student, brimming with (perhaps misplaced) confidence, I advocated to skip my Discipleship Cohort. So, I found myself sitting across the desk from the program director. When he asked me to demonstrate my ability to share the gospel, a different question echoed in my mind. Perhaps it was the legacy of the seminary itself – founded by Dr. Bill Bright, the visionary behind Campus Crusade for Christ (now Cru) – but I sensed he was really asking: could I recite the “Four Spiritual Laws” verbatim?
Prior to seminary, I had interned at Skyline Church in the college ministry and was certainly familiar with the tool. However, committing it to memory hadn’t been a priority. What followed were a few awkward minutes of fumbling, a clear demonstration to both of us that the “Four Spiritual Laws” were not etched in my memory. Even after diligently completing the Discipleship Cohort, that verbatim recitation remained elusive, which brings me to the crux of the matter. Surely, there must be a simpler, more accessible way to communicate the life-transforming message of the gospel.
Stripping it Back: The ABCs of Good News
In his insightful book, “8 to 15, The World Is Smaller Than You Think,” Tom Mercer offers a refreshing and wonderfully simple framework for understanding and sharing the gospel.
The ABC’s of the Gospel
A – Admit that you are a sinner who needs a Savior.
B – Believe that Jesus is the only Savior available.
C – Choose to follow Christ, to place your faith in Him alone.
*Used with permission
Relationality at Its Core
What strikes me about this framework is its inherent relationality. It begins with a shared human experience – the admission of our need. It then points to the unique answer in Jesus, inviting belief and trust. Finally, it culminates in a personal choice, a step into a relationship with Christ.
This simplicity stands in stark contrast to the often intricate and program-heavy approaches we can adopt. The Oikos Principle reminds us that discipleship often begins within the natural flow of our relationships. Our extended family, our friends, our neighbors – these are the initial fields ripe for the seeds of the gospel.
Imagine the freedom if we shifted our focus from finding the perfect curriculum to simply living out our faith authentically within our Oikos, ready to share the core message in a way that resonates – perhaps even through the simple ABCs. It removes the pressure of needing to be a theological expert or a master of a specific evangelistic technique. It empowers every believer to participate in the work of making disciples, right where they are.
Let’s Reclaim Simplicity
Perhaps the friction we feel in our disciple-making efforts isn’t a sign of a missing program, but a yearning for a return to the relational heart of Jesus’ approach. Let’s consider:
Empowering our people to see their relationships as mission fields.
Equipping them with simple, memorable ways to articulate the gospel.
Fostering a culture of natural invitation within our church communities.
Valuing the diverse ways the Holy Spirit works through individual believers.
Maybe, just maybe, the most effective disciple-making strategy isn’t the most complex one, but the one that flows naturally from authentic relationships and a clear, simple presentation of the good news. Let’s embrace the simplicity of the ABCs and the power of our Oikos, and watch how God can multiply disciples in ways we never imagined.
In my last post, I wrestled with the complexities we often impose on discipleship in American churches. We can get so caught up in finding the “perfect” program or the most innovative strategy that we inadvertently dismiss the simple, relational heart of following Jesus and inviting others to do the same. We sometimes discount approaches that aren’t our own or believe that what works elsewhere will “never work here.” (You can catch up on that conversation by clicking HERE.)
But today, I want to move beyond the critique and get practical. What can you do, whether you’re a pastor, a church leader, or simply a follower of Christ, to genuinely engage people in their spiritual journey towards finding and following Jesus? I believe the answer lies not in more complicated systems, but in a return to the foundational power of relationships.
Towards the end of this article, I’ll introduce a simple tool to help you take immediate action. If you’re ready to discover The Oikos Principle, feel free to skip ahead!
The Peril of Mission Drift
Recently, I’ve been reflecting on a concept introduced in Tom Mercer’s book, “8 to 15, The World Is Smaller Than You Think.” In the chapter aptly titled “The Main Thing,” Mercer highlights our vulnerability to “mission drift” – that slow, often unintentional movement away from our core purpose towards activities that, while perhaps good in themselves, distract us from what truly matters.
He uses a striking example: the original founding mission statement of Harvard University:
“To be plainly instructed and consider well that the main end of your life and studies is to know God and Jesus Christ.”
While Harvard remains a prestigious academic institution, it’s undeniable that their primary focus has shifted dramatically. Mercer suggests that the church in America can also fall prey to this mission drift. It’s not about intentional malice, but a natural human tendency. As churches grow and expand, or conversely, when facing stagnation, there’s a pull towards the familiar, the comfortable, potentially losing sight of the core mission of making disciples.
Mercer then shares compelling statistics from Dr. Tom Reiner’s research in “Ten Surprises About the Unchurched.” Reiner and his team spent three years interviewing a diverse cross-section of unchurched and non-Christian individuals across all 50 states. Their findings debunked some common myths:
DeBunking Myths About the Unchurched
Most of the unchurched feel guilty about not attending church.(False)
96% of the unchurched are at least somewhat likely to attend church if they are invited.(True!)
Very few of the unchurched have ever had someone share with them how to become a Christian.(Alarmingly True)
Most of the unchurched have a positive view of pastors and the church.(Encouragingly True)
Many of the unchurched have a church background.(Reveals a potential for reconnection)
Some types of cold calls are effective, but many are not.(Highlights the need for relational approaches)
The unchurched would like to develop a real and sincere relationship with Christians.(This is key!)
The attitudes of the unchurched are not correlated to where they live, their ethnic or racial background, or their gender.(Underlines the universal need for connection)
Many of the unchurched are far more concerned about the spiritual well-being of their children than they are about themselves.(A powerful point of connection)
These findings paint a clear picture: the unchurched aren’t necessarily hostile to faith or the church. In fact, a significant majority are open to an invitation and desire a genuine connection with Christians. The real gap often lies in the lack of personal invitation and the absence of individuals sharing their faith.
Taking Action: Embracing The Oikos Principle
So, what can we do in response to these insights? We can take action, and one powerful way to do that is by applying The Oikos Principle. As I mentioned earlier (and elaborated on in my previous blog – CLICK HERE), this principle, highlighted by Mercer, focuses on the power of our existing relationships.
“Oikos” is a Greek word that refers to a person’s household, family, and close network of relationships. The Oikos Principle encourages us to intentionally engage the people already in our sphere of influence. Here are the five steps Mercer outlines:
The Oikos Principle
LIST your oikos: Identify those 8-15 people with whom you have developed, are developing, or perhaps should develop relational equity. These are your friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, and acquaintances.
PRAY daily for your oikos: Commit to praying specifically for each person on your list, asking that they would sense God’s presence in their lives and be open to His love.
INVEST in your oikos: Look for meaningful ways to be present in their lives, show genuine care, and build deeper connections. Be God’s instrument by demonstrating His love through your actions.
INVITE them: As God opens doors of opportunity, thoughtfully and regularly invite them to church or into other faith-based conversations. This should flow naturally from the investment you’ve already made in the relationship.
PREPARE to become a better example of faith in Christ and a more effective witness of His grace: Recognize that your own spiritual growth is crucial. As you deepen your relationship with Christ, you become a more authentic and compelling witness.
This isn’t about implementing a new, complex program. It’s about leveraging the relationships God has already given you. It’s about seeing your everyday interactions as potential opportunities for Kingdom impact.
Putting It Into Practice
For me personally, I’ve taken this principle to heart. I ride mountain bikes twice a week with a group of guys I’ve known for several years. I’ve written their names on an Oikos Principle card* (which you can download for yourself* – CLICK HERE) and am intentionally praying for them daily. Our church is hosting a Men’s Breakfast next month, and I plan to thoughtfully invite some of these individuals to join me. It’s simple, it’s easy, and it builds upon existing relationships.
The Oikos Principle isn’t a magic formula, but it’s a powerful reminder that discipleship often starts in our own backyards, within the circles of influence God has already entrusted to us. By intentionally loving, serving, and inviting those in our oikos, we can move beyond the complexities and rediscover the relational heart of sharing the love of Jesus.
If you’re ready to take the next step and explore The Oikos Principle further, CLICK HERE for more information! Let’s reclaim the simple, yet profound, power of relational discipleship.
Lately, I’ve been carrying this nagging feeling, this little struggle in my spirit. It’s about how we, in the American church culture, often approach this whole “disciple-making” thing. Does it ever feel… clunky to you? Like we’ve built this intricate machine with so many moving parts that it ends up feeling more like it’s sputtering and stalling than actually, you know, making disciples?
We’ve tried all sorts of things, haven’t we? We’ve tried to make church more “attractive,” and hey, that’s brought people to Jesus, which is amazing! But sometimes I wonder if we’ve focused so much on the “attract” part that we’ve inadvertently made the actual following and becoming part feel… well, a bit overwhelming.
Then, I stumbled upon this little book, “8 to 15, The World Is Smaller Than You Think” by Tom Mercer. And honestly, it was like a breath of fresh air. Mercer talks about this concept called the Oikos Principle. Now, “Oikos” is just the Greek word for “extended family,” but the way he breaks it down is so simple, but yet so profound.
Think about it:
Your extended family (literally, that’s the Greek meaning!).
The most natural place for sharing your faith to happen. Isn’t it true? The people who already know you, who see your life up close.
That core group of 8 to 15 people with whom you’re already doing life. Your closest friends, family, neighbors, colleagues – your inner circle.
The very people God wants to equip you to be an instrument of His grace for. That’s a powerful thought, isn’t it?
A mini-version of the whole world, the very world Jesus came to save, so that everyone who believes in Him can truly live life to the fullest.
What grabbed me about this Oikos Principle was its beautiful simplicity. It just clicks. It feels right. Here’s what I’m really enjoying about it:
It’s rooted in the Bible. This isn’t some trendy new idea; it echoes how Jesus Himself invested deeply in a small group, and how the early church spread like wildfire through natural connections.
It’s the pattern Jesus set and the early church embraced. That gives it some serious weight, doesn’t it?
It’s crystal clear. No complicated formulas or endless steps. Just your people.
It’s wonderfully simple. And in our complex world, isn’t that refreshing?
It’s easily reproducible. Anyone can do this, right where they are, with who they already know.
It’s inherently fruitful. Authentic relationships are fertile ground for the seeds of the Gospel.
But here’s where I get a little… frustrated, maybe? There’s this little voice in the back of my head, a cultural bias I see creeping into how we respond to ideas like this:
We tend to raise an eyebrow at anything that isn’t super “sophisticated.” Like, if it’s not a ten-week program with a workbook and a leader’s guide, we might subconsciously think it’s not “deep enough.”
We have this weird habit of wanting to “own” ideas. We like to repackage things and present them as our own brilliant innovation, sometimes missing the beauty of a simple, effective principle that’s already out there.
And then there’s the classic: “That works over there, but not here.” As if the fundamental human need for connection and the power of genuine relationships somehow change based on zip code.
Honestly, I think we might be overthinking this whole disciple-making thing. Maybe the most powerful way to share Jesus and help others grow in their faith isn’t through elaborate programs, but through the genuine, everyday connections we already have.
So, here’s my honest recommendation, friend to friend. For the price of a latte or two ($10.97 on Amazon, last I checked!), grab a copy of “8 to 15.” Read it with an open heart. Pray about it. And then? Try it out. Start looking at your “Oikos” – those 8 to 15 people God has already placed in your life. What if disciple-making wasn’t this huge, daunting task, but simply about intentionally loving and investing in the people right around you?
I have a feeling it might just be the key to unlocking a more natural, relational, and yes, even simpler way to see God’s Kingdom grow, one relationship at a time.
What are your thoughts? Does this resonate with you? I’d love to hear your perspective in the comments below!
Can you think of a time when you were faced with an uncomfortable conversation? What did you do to overcome your discomfort? And when you did, how clearly could you communicate your desires and assert your perspective?
I was confronted with a very difficult situation that forced me to assert myself in a delicate conversation; it was fraught with layers of complexity. Through lots of prayer, thoughtful conversations, and guidance, I was able to clarify what I wanted for the people involved, but it did not come easily. What I learned has served me well over the years, and I have applied it to my challenging conversations since that time, many, many years ago. One tool that helped me understand how to make the shift I need to make was a 2X2 diagram that identifies four styles of assertiveness. It is the combination of all four where a balance is struck, but not EVERY situation will seek the same balance or allotted emphasis. I hope you find the explanation helpful below.
Unpacking the Assertiveness 2X2
Horizontal Axis = Level of EMPATHY.
Empathy Level (left to right) – Low to High
Vertical Axis = Level of ENERGY.
Energy Level (top to bottom) – High to Low
Four Assertiveness Styles
Aggressively Controlling – HIGH ENERGY + LOW EMPATHY (upper left quadrant)
Passively Observing – LOW ENERGY + LOW EMPATHY (lower left quadrant)
Warmly Proposing – LOW ENERGY + HIGH EMPATHY (lower right quadrant)
Firmly Asserting – HIGH ENERGY + HIGH EMPATHY (upper right quadrant)
Like I said earlier, there is no ONE correct style that works in EVERY situation, but like I experienced, I needed to know where I should give greater emphasis, given the dynamics I was facing in the difficult conversation I had. Using the 2X2 above, this is how I most naturally function. My most natural styles I exercise are in the following order:
Passively Observing
Firmly Asserting
Warmly Proposing
Aggressively Controlling
The shift(s) I made, given my natural style, were to:
Lower my Passively Observing by being more verbally engaged
Increase my Firmly Asserting style by being more proactive and empathetic
Increase my Aggressively Controlling style by being more commanding and confident.
And finally, maintain my Warmly Proposing style.
Here are reflection questions I used to help me arrive at the shifts I exercised.
Reflection Questions to Adapt your Assertiveness Style
How can I respectfully communicate what I want in this conversation?
What am I willing to do to get what I want?
What am I unwilling to do?
How can I put myself in the other person’s situation so I can understand their view?
How can I project more confidence?
Where do I need to be more pro-active?
What do I need to do to show I am listening carefully?
These are some of the questions that I found helpful. Take time right now and brainstorm some questions of your own if you are approaching a difficult conversation. Below are a couple of resources you might find helpful to learn more about Assertiveness.
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