I recently had the privilege of leading a workshop for pastors navigating the exciting, yet often complex, journey of “daughtering” a new church. As we delved into the practicalities of launching a new work, a crucial theme emerged, one that often gets overshadowed by talk of budgets and launch teams: the relational cost to the parent church.
We spent time focusing on the established church pastor’s perspective —the one who sends out a piece of their heart and soul into a new community. During a powerful demonstration with a pastor who had recently gone through this process, the word “recovery” kept surfacing. Not just financial recovery, but something deeper: the need for the parent church to heal.
Planting a church, birthing a new faith community, is exhilarating work. But let’s not sugarcoat it – it’s exhausting work for everyone involved, especially the parent church. They’ve likely poured resources, sent some of their best leaders, and invested immense emotional energy into this new venture. And when the dust settles, there’s often a quiet reckoning.
The Overlooked Tollbooth: Emotions
We often track the tangible impacts of a church plant:
- Numerically: What happened to our Sunday attendance?
- Financially: What were the direct costs of supporting the new church?
But there’s a less visible, yet equally significant, impact: the emotional health of the congregation.
This “Emotional Tollbooth,” as it surfaced in our workshop, is where the numerical and financial realities converge. If the church plant took a core group, perhaps some of your most passionate and gifted individuals, the parent church might feel a tangible loss. It can feel akin to losing a loved one who has moved away, is struggling in their faith, or has even passed away. The very champions you celebrated sending out can, in the quiet moments, leave a void. The Kingdom-advancing ministry you so fervently supported can, at times, feel more like a burden.
Witnessing the “Child” Thrive: A Mix of Emotions
We celebrated a significant milestone at The Refinery Church, the plant my wife, Gina, and I serve and call our church home. After 30 months, we finally reached financial self-sustainability for two consecutive months; it was a moment of pure joy.
But it made me wonder: how does the parent church experience this kind of achievement?
There must be immense pride, a deep satisfaction in seeing their “child” thrive. Yet, I imagine it’s intertwined with a complex tapestry of emotions. The joy of their success might be tinged with the ache of their absence. The parent church might feel a shift in their own identity, perhaps a sense of no longer being “needed” in the same way by those they sent out. Additionally, the realities of numerical and financial adjustments likely still linger.
A Forgotten Question: How Do We Help the Parent Church?
During the workshop, when asked how to support the parent church pastor and congregation navigating this “Emotional Tollbooth,” I stumbled. My answer was likely forgettable, some variation of “pay attention to it.”
But what I wish I had said, what I now believe wholeheartedly, is this: find a guide to walk alongside you throughout the process.
Missionally, the reasons to plant churches are compelling: reaching the unreached, mobilizing gifted leaders, and even revitalizing the mother church. Yet, the impact on the parent church is undeniable and demands our attention.
The Indispensable Role of Relationship: The Christian Coach
We can read books, listen to podcasts, and even ask AI for insights, but the most consistent and invaluable resource for navigating the parenting process is a relationship, specifically, the guidance of a competent Christian coach.
What can a coach offer the pastor of a parent church?
- Perspective: A timely reminder of the courageous step of faith they’ve taken.
- Partnership: A trusted friend in what can feel like a lonely journey.
- Potential: Helping them see the new ministry opportunities that emerge within their own congregation.
- Safe Place: A non-judgmental space to process the complex emotions that come with letting go.
- Peace: Guidance on how to anchor their trust in the Holy Spirit amidst the inevitable shifts.
Remembering the Stages of Grief (Yes, Even Here)
As Elisabeth Kübler-Ross articulated in “On Death and Dying,” there are common stages of grief we experience when grappling with loss: denial, bargaining, depression, anger, and acceptance. While we aren’t talking about literal death, the parent church experiences a form of loss – the loss of key people, established patterns, and perhaps even a sense of their former identity. Understanding these stages can provide a framework for empathy and support as the parent church navigates this transition.
Investing in the Parent Church is Investing in the Kingdom
Let’s not underestimate the relational cost of planting a church. By acknowledging the emotional journey of the parent church, by providing support and guidance through coaching relationships, we not only care for those who have bravely stepped out in faith but also ensure the long-term health and vitality of the entire Kingdom effort.
Let’s shift our perspective. Let’s ask not just “What does it cost to plant a church financially?” but also, “How can we best support the heart and soul of the church that dared to give birth?” The answer, I believe, lies in prioritizing relationships and providing the guidance needed to navigate this profound and transformative experience.
Photo by GreenForce Staffing on Unsplash
Resources to Help the Parent Church Leader Through the Daughtering Process
PARENT CHURCH PLANTING STORYBOARD
PARENT CHURCH PLANTING COACHING GUIDE
