I recently had the privilege of sitting in on a webinar with Brent O’Bannon, hosted by the Professional Christian Coaching Institute. Brent has this incredible depth of wisdom when it comes to the Gallup StrengthsFinder, but what really stopped me in my tracks was how he applied his insights to the way we build relationships.
He shared three “rules” for how we interact with others, and I couldn’t help but see how perfectly they fit into our mission of making disciples.
The Three Rules of Connection*
- The Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. (The classic foundation!)
- The Platinum Rule: Treat others the way they want to be treated. (Meeting them where they are.)
- The Diamond Rule: Embracing the absolute uniqueness of your “disciple” just as much as you embrace your own. It’s not one at the expense of the other; it’s holding and honoring both identities at the same time.
*Used with permission.
Raising the Standard
As I’ve reflected on this Diamond Rule, I’ve been wondering: What if our disciple-making environments were defined by this kind of depth? Imagine how much more powerful our work in the Harvest could become if we raised the bar for how we engage with the world. Wouldn’t it be something if people far from God started describing Christians as “the most respectful listeners I’ve ever met”? That would be a beautiful kind of “jarring.”
Listening in the Chair
The truth is, it’s hard to truly put ourselves in someone else’s shoes if we’ve never carried their specific burden.
For the past year, every four weeks, I visit “Polly” (not her real name) to get my hair cut. Each time I sit in her chair, she shares the heavy reality of her husband’s life—the partial paralysis, the chronic headaches, and the grief following a brain surgery that didn’t go as planned. Barring a miracle, this is their “new normal.”
In that chair, my best tool isn’t catchy Christian phrases or a sermon; it’s asking questions and truly listening. Last month, after hearing the latest update, I simply asked if I could pray for her. She didn’t hesitate.
I prayed quietly, empathetically, and respectfully. Prayer is many things: a way to talk to God, a demonstration of care, and a weapon to push back the darkness. But to pave the way for that prayer, I had to apply the Diamond Rule first—building a bridge of trust by honoring exactly who Polly is at that moment.
Bringing Out the “Diamond” in Your Disciple
The next time you’re in a conversation and find yourself struggling to move from your own perspective to a “Diamond” level of connection, try asking yourself these five questions:
- How can I raise my level of engagement with the person right in front of me?
- What does this person need at this moment?
- What do I need?
- What can I set aside to get out of my own way?
- How can I show total respect to them while staying true to who God made me to be?
I know that wanting to see the “Diamond” in someone else often comes from a place of deep, quiet secondary burden—you carry the weight of wanting them to feel fully seen, known, and loved by God. It can feel vulnerable to step into those messy, unscripted spaces where you don’t have all the answers and can only offer your presence. Please give yourself grace as you navigate these conversations; it’s a journey of the heart, not a checklist to master. Your genuine desire to honor another person’s uniqueness while staying true to your own calling is exactly how the light of Christ begins to break through. You aren’t just making a disciple; you’re offering a rare kind of dignity for which the world is starving.
Becoming a “Bi-Directional” Listener
The goal is to become a listener who looks two ways at once: tuning in deeply to the person in front of you, while simultaneously discerning the whisper of the Holy Spirit.
How is your “Bi-Directional” listening? I’ve put together a quick 5-minute quiz to help you see where you are and create a personal growth plan.
